Yeah, I was relying on you for my happiness, but that’s because I was going through a hard time. You said you were my stability.
I can’t wait for you. I can’t wait for you to decide whether you want to date me again.
The exact moment in which I’m finally fine, will be the moment in which I don’t need you anymore.
Looks like it’s time to get over you.
And so it begins.

I just really need a hug.

I am just so alone.

I would write about yesterday and today but I’d just cry. 

Basically, my hope was so high yesterday, and the night ended great,

and then today happened.

And I was let down again.

I think it’s your hugs I miss the most.

I don’t know. I guess that feels a little better.

You do you, I’ll do me. I mean, you’ve been doing you for awhile now. So now I’ll just be like you. Right?

So. Be your friend, be close to you, and maybe we’ll be okay again even if it kills me, or stay away from you, maybe you’ll end up missing me, and it still kills me. I am just stuck in a pickle. I wish I could say I won’t wait for you but I don’t know that. I just know that if any of my friends were in this situation I would tell them to wait a week or so, then just walk away. But me being in this situation is just so surreal. It gets better every day, but at night it’s all the same.

I’m honestly just giving up. I’m not going to date other boys or anything, it’s just I can’t keep grasping on to this hope. And you’re not going to do anything to fix it, even though I’m dying to. I don’t get texts anymore, so I guess you don’t really care. you’re just trying to be nice.

I’m just still in love.

I had time to cancel your birthday present. I did because if this was such a surprise, who knows? Maybe you’ll hate me by July. I just had so much planned. Baseball games and Ocean City and me not missing a single show this time because I will have my license. Kings Dominion and sleepovers and pizza nights. I just had all these images in my mind.

But you seem like you don’t want me anymore. You’re content with your friends and the band. I have to live with that. This past week has been one of the worst ones of my life. I can at least talk to you in person now. Even if whenever I come so close as within 15 feet of you my chest tightens up and I can’t breathe, maybe you like talking to me.

It was like quitting smoking or drinking or cocaine cold turkey if you were addicted. Suddenly I’m no longer touched or loved or wanted. You’re probably sick of my crying and bitching. I guess it’s just hard to understand for you.

You want to do you, so that forces me to just do me.

This is me coming to terms with it.

I guess I can get some positives out of it. I’ve lost 6 pounds! I’m always sick to my stomach so I can never eat. I honestly try but I just always want to throw up.

You say if it is supposed to work one day it will. I don’t believe in fate so that’s hard for me to believe.

I just have to let go of that hope. 

But no matter what, I will always love you. You saved me from everything, including myself, and I will always be grateful for that.

Even if we’re never friends again, you will always have a place in my heart.

It’s the feeling of drowning in your own skin. It’s the feeling of constantly not being able to breath, not wanting to eat, not wanting to do anything but sleep. It’s that itch you get when you just want to talk to them, and your hand almost forces you to. It’s the endless nights of crying, staying up ‘til dawn, paralyzed in the thought of the future without them. It’s the feeling of losing the only thing that ever mattered to you. A heavy head, heart, and mind. It’s the inexplicable feeling of remorse that constantly washes over you like ocean waves stained red.  It robs you of all feeling and motivation.

It’s a plague on your soul.

On my mixed CD you saved one of the songs as “(Mary’s) Body is a Wonderland”

God. This sucks. I will say it a million times over.

This. Just. Sucks.

I haven’t cried over you today though. I still feel hollow and empty.

I just miss you. 

How are you not hurting? We’ve done so much and been through a lot together.

I just feel like now, it doesn’t really matter to you.

Like you don’t even want to remember it.

Mornings suck too.
I feel extra hollow today

I was so sure i wasnt going to cry all day. I am just trying to understand you. Please dont push me away anymore.

as soon as i posted that you texted me. Now i’m sitting in my room bawling again.
I am just in so much pain

Ohmygod I just want to cry. On the tumblr app on my phone it doesn’t show when I get new asks and I just logged on my desktop to type an essay and welp there they were and I am just crying right now.

I want to answer them and all of you tell me who you are but I just sort of like looking at them. I’m not answering them because I am mean.

I just want to save them.

I just hurt so much. I feel like someone took a bone splitter and cracked my chest open. I feel so hollow.

You want me to wait until you get a few things figured out. So you want me to wait until you decide if you want to date me anymore. You want me to wait for my possible demise. Are you serious?

Friends. Like before we were dating.
Friends.